Deciding to try for a baby was not an easy decision. I feel there’s a huge expectation that all women must want children and that it’s impossible not to feel ‘broody.’ Even though many people around me were having babies, I never felt an urgent desire to have one—and that should be okay to admit.

That said, I always assumed I’d have children someday. Personally, I loved the freedom a child-free life offered. I hiked every weekend, went wild camping monthly, and our holidays always revolved around big adventures—like the Tour du Mont Blanc or our recent(ish) trip to the Dolomites.

I also worried about my past mental health struggles. How would someone with body dysmorphia and BPD cope with the inevitable physical and mental changes of pregnancy and birth? There was a lot to think about and consider, I didn’t want poor mental health affecting my ability to be parent.

 Approaching my mid-30s, I finally decided to take the risk and try for a baby. I immediately put plans in place to maintain my lifestyle for as long as possible. I was kindly gifted a pregnancy harness so I could keep climbing, and I bought a waterproof maternity coat and hiking trousers from Mountain Warehouse (highly recommend!). But everything didn’t exactly go to plan.

Pregnancy symptoms are unlike anything you’ll ever experience. Your sense of smell rivals that of a police sniffer dog, the exhaustion is unlike anything I’ve ever felt, and then there’s the sickness.

It was a Monday night—aka climbing night. I sat down for a quick meal after work, ready to dash out for my regular climb at the Harrogate climbing wall, when I was sick for the first time. Hyperemesis, commonly known as ‘the thing Kate Middleton had,’ kicked my ass for five months. From September to January, I was physically sick up to eight times a day. I won’t lie—there were moments I questioned if the pregnancy was worth it! Fair to say, my climbing and hiking plans went straight out the window.

In October, we went to Grasmere. Armed with some famous gingerbread (supposedly good for sickness), I managed a walk up to Alcock Tarn and Easdale Tarn over a couple of days—but the drive was awful. By December, when the sickness was starting to ease, we went to Edinburgh and hiked Arthur’s Seat. I always assumed if I stayed active during pregnancy, my body would get stronger and better able to handle the extra weight as I got bigger. But because I’d spent almost five months with my head in a toilet, all the walking and hiking in Edinburgh destroyed my back. I’m still struggling with it now, and I genuinely believe that trip is to blame.

So if you’re pregnant, please listen when your body tells you to slow down. I knew I was walking too much, but my husband wouldn’t listen, and I wish I had protested more—because nine months postpartum, my back is still in agony.

Most women start to really feel the isolation after the baby is born, once the initial visits are out of the way and you have to start adjusting to life as just you and bub. For me, it started very early in pregnancy. Because I was sick for so long (and no antiemetic seemed to work), I felt like I was in hibernation. I have a lot of friends wrapped up in my hobbies—I had never really considered that before, but when climbing, hiking, and camping stopped, so did my friendships in a way. I also tried to work from home as much as possible, and work nights out started to look very different too. I guess it was good training for what was coming postpartum!

During all of this, I was also starting therapy for body dysmorphia and trying to get through another module of my master’s degree. Pretty full-on. I actually coped with the changes to my body a lot better than I thought I would. For the first three or four months, I was barely showing. Then, sometime in January, I started to get big quickly and kept expanding until baby came in April.

As someone with body dysmorphia, I’ve always struggled with how I dress and present myself. One of the reasons I love hiking is because there’s almost an outdoors ‘dress code’—I don’t have to worry about finding the perfect dress for an evening event; I’m allowed to be messy and comfortable. In a way, pregnancy is like that. You get a pass for being bigger, and maternity clothes limit your options. I felt okay about giving myself certain passes. But I was very worried about what my body would look like post-pregnancy—since I had gotten so big, I wondered where it was all supposed to go once the baby was here!

I know this all seems quite negative, but I really didn’t have a good pregnancy—mostly due to the hyperemesis, which is just pure bad luck. That said, there are wonderful things about pregnancy—the little flutters in your belly, the kicks when baby wants to say hello. Seeing them on screen for the first time, hearing the heartbeat. The daily wonder of knowing a baby is growing inside you. Deliberating names, praying your Chinese in-laws don’t give you a middle name like Ping. Decorating the nursery, buying things just because they’re cute (and later realizing they’re completely impractical).

I cannot quite believe the last time I went climbing or camping was pre-September 2023! It feels like forever ago but also like yesterday. My whole world has been turned upside down, and I’ve entered some strange vortex where time doesn’t work the same way anymore. I’ve really had to put my outdoor life on hold, and it’s been a challenge—it’s what I’ve centred my whole world around for so long. My escape, my fitness, my friendships, my lifestyle. It’s so easy to lose yourself in a world you barely recognise.

I guess the promise of a little person at the end of it is what keeps you going—you remind yourself that, to some extent, this is all temporary. But getting that lifestyle back is taking longer than I expected. I genuinely think it will be years, not months, before it resembles anything like it did before. But by the end of it, I’ll have an extra adventure buddy (I hope).

I guess my message to anyone who is super outdoorsy and pregnant is: be prepared to change your expectations and listen to your body. I’ve seen women on social media doing challenging hikes while heavily pregnant—how much of that is real and how much is social media, I don’t know. But I truly believe how well your pregnancy goes is a little out of your hands. Don’t be afraid to stop. Don’t push too hard. I feel like I would have regained my fitness sooner if I hadn’t hurt my back so much by overdoing it while pregnant. If you can stay active for as long as possible, amazing. If not, just try to hold on to the relationships wrapped up in your hobbies—you’ll need them!

I did buy a few maternity outdoor clothes, some of which I kept for postpartum babywearing, so I’ll post some reviews soon.